Wednesday, September 30, 2015

2015 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week Four)


The calm before the storm?

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

The Associated Press? The USA Today's Coaches Poll? Whatever jibber-jabber is being puked out over at ESPN and Bleacher Report? Puh-leeze, we all know those alleged "Top 25" countdowns are pathetic jokes penned by homers, Power Five loyalists and Notre Dame nuthuggers. That's why I decided to release my own weekly rundown of the best FBS college football squads in the States, completely devoid of all the usual fanboyism and corporate malarkey that makes lists of the like elsewhere so unbelievably annoying. 


Throughout the regular season, a new installment will go up every Wednesday morning, so you may want to bookmark this sucker for future reference ... and to show to all of your fellow NCAA football lovin' chums, so they can know that -- at least somewhere out in the tangled, endlessly frustrating World Wide Web -- there's someone on the Internet with some goddamn horse sense when it comes to ranking college 'ball teams. 



#001
Ohio State (4-0)

In a fairly uneventful week in college football, it's pretty difficult to pick a team who stood out. While no one is ever going to consider the Buckeyes'38-12 victory over non-factor Western Michigan a "statement game," Ohio State's start-to-finish performance over the weekend was nonetheless the most consistent of any top 25 team in the land. Ohio State gets arguably their first real challenge of the year this Saturday, however, when they go cleat-to-cleat with an undefeated Indiana Hoosiers squad in Bloomington. 

#002
Michigan State (4-0)

The running game was the big variable in the Spartans' 30-10 victory over Central Michigan on Saturday, as Michigan State ball carriers scuffed up the endzone thrice and accumulated 181 total yards on 36 rushing attempts. The passing game, however, did look a little anemic (the no-name Chippewas team actually out-tossed the Spartans 285 yards to 143.) That's not exactly a reason to sound the upset alarm for this Saturday's home stand against the 1-4 Purdue Boilermakers, but its nonetheless something to worry about as the season continues. 

#003
Baylor (3-0)

The Golden Bears put on an absolute air show over the weekend, as QB Seth Russell lobbed six touchdown passes (three of which went to receiver Corey Coleman) and racked up 366 yards in Baylor's 70-17 beatdown on Rice. Amazingly, the Bears looked even better running the ball, as the team posted a stellar 427 yards on the ground. The fun may be short-lived, though: this weekend, the squad plays host to a Texas Tech team that most certainly wants revenge for this weekend's oh-so-close loss to Big 12 adversaries TCU. 

#004
Ole Miss (4-0)

The Rebels looked surprisingly lethargic in their groggy 27-16 win over Vanderbilt. Although Chad Kelly racked up 321 yards in the air, he only hit the endzone once and tossed two costly interceptions. Running back Jaylen Walton looked OK (he had a touchdown and 133 yards on the day) as did receiver Laquon Treadwell (135 yards on eight receptions), but the defense looked half asleep throughout the affair. Needless to say, Ole Miss can't afford to dial it in this weekend, as they head to the swamp for a dangerous duel against fellow undefeated SEC squad Florida. 

#005
LSU (3-0)

Leonard Fournette is definitely Heisman Trophy material. In the Tigers' 34-24 win over Syracuse, he had two touchdowns and 244 yards on 26 carries, a sum nearly doubling the total number of rushing yards put up by the Orangemen. That said, the rest of the offense has definitely looked better, especially QB Brandon Harris, who had just one touchdown and 157 yards on the day. 

#006
TCU (4-0)

The Horned Frogs' last-second victory in a back-and-forth offensive slugfest with Texas Tech was easily the most entertaining game of the weekend. While the defense gave up over 600 yards(!), the team also racked up some stellar yardage, too, with Trevone Boykin dialing up nearly 500 yards and the Horned Frogs rushing attack (led by Aaron Green with two TDs and 162 yards) racking up close to 250 additional yards. This weekend, they host a 1-3 Texas team that direly wants retribution for their own last second loss on Saturday. TCU would be wise to not take them lightly. 

#007
UCLA (4-0)

The Bruins knocked Arizona from the list of unbeatens over the weekend, besting the Wildcats 56-30 in a game in which UCLA recorded no less than six rushing touchdowns. Of course, the Bruins' defense also gave up a considerable amount of ground to Arizona's rushing attack -- to the tune of 353 yards, to be exact. 

#008
Utah (4-0)

The Utes surprising success (not to toot my own horn, but guess who called it back in August?) continued over the weekend, as they drubbed Oregon 62-20. The offensive MVP had to be QB Travis Wilson, who tossed four TD passes and walked it in for a fifth, ultimately accumulating 227 passing yards and another 100 with his own two feet. 

#009
Notre Dame (4-0)

Backup QB DeShone Kizer has looked pretty good for the Irish, racking up 207 yards and two touchdowns in Notre Dame's 62-27 win over UMASS. Then again, it was the Irish rushing attack that clinched that little contest; led by C.J. Prosise (two TDs and 149 yards), the team accumulated 457 total yards on the ground Saturday. In quite possibly the weekend's second most anticipated match-up, the Irish travel to South Carolina for a primetime shindig against fellow unbeaten Clemson. 

#010
Georgia (4-0)

Sure, the Bulldogs 48-6 win over Southern was fun, but the cupcake parade comes to a screeching halt this weekend, as the dreaded Alabama Crimson Tide return to the Peach State for the first time since the Tide chucked UGA out of the 2013 National Championship Game. Expect productivity in both states to come to an absolute standstill as soon as 3:30 rolls around on Saturday afternoon.

#011
Clemson (3-0)

The Tigers had a bye this week, which is certainly welcomed, considered the Fighting Irish are coming to town on Saturday night. Can Deshaun Watson and the boys outgun Notre Dame in what should certainly be an offensive-oriented barnburner? We'll just have to wait and see, looks like. 

#012
Florida State (3-0)

Like Clemson, FSU took a breather this weekend. While it's easy to give the Seminoles a free pass against a 2-2 Wake Forest squad this weekend, that may not be the wisest thing in the world. After all, just ask Auburn what happens when you fail to take "sub-par" teams seriously...

#013
Oklahoma (3-0)

Yet another week three inactive re-emerges this weekend, as Oklahoma hosts an undefeated West Virginia Mountaineers squad at home. The upset potential here is quite high -- when it's all said and done, Norman might just be the saddest little town in the Midwest once Saturday's come and gone. 

#014
Texas A&M (4-0)

The Aggies struggled in their 28-21 win over Arkansas, even as QB Kyle Allen chucked the pigskin for 358 yards and two touchdowns. The run game, however, looked incredibly impotent, as the halfbacks could barely muster 65 yards all day against a Razorbacks team that is far from being the most dominant defensive squad in the SEC West. 

#015
Northwestern (4-0)

It was a close one, but the Wildcats still came out triumphant in a 24-19 slugfest against Ball State. Clayton Thorson had three touchdowns and one interception, while the Northwestern running back corps, despite failing to score a single TD, nonetheless carved up the turf to the tune of 290 yards. The Wildcats play host to a Minnesota Golden Gophers team that definitely has potential to wreck their undefeated aspirations ... and on Northwestern's home turf, no less. 

#016
California (4-0)


The other undefeated Golden Bears squad had a scare on Saturday, but Cal nonetheless managed to hold off Washington for a 30-24 victory. This weekend, they do battle with a tough Washington State team; pending California escapes from that one with a W, they then have the unenviable task of heading into Utah for a conference skirmish against a red hot Utes squad on Oct. 10. 

#017
Miami (3-0)


While the Hurricanes have played very inconsistent thus far in the season, they've still been able to weather whatever storms (pun, regrettably, intended) have come their way. After sitting idle in week four, they have an away game against Cincinnati this week ... and after that, a crucial, and perhaps season-determining, clash with the Seminoles in Tallahassee in week 6. 

#018
Oklahoma State (4-0)


If not for truly horrid special teams play from the Longhorns, there is a very good chance the Cowboys would've lost Saturday's tilt against Texas. Alas, fate shined favorably upon Oklahoma State, and they walked out with a razor thin 30-27 victory. Despite racking up nearly 300 yards for the day, QB Mason Rudolph also struggled at times, throwing two picks and finishing the game with a 52.0 quarterback rating. The Big 12 championship picture will clear up considerably this weekend, as the Cowboys do battle with fellow conference unbeaten Kansas State. 

#019
Kansas State (3-0)


After winning their first two games of the season by a 64-3 margin of victory, the Wildcats almost got bumped in week 3's epic overtime duel against Louisiana Tech. Needless to say, we're going to figure out what kind of team KSU really is this weekend, when they go toe-to-toe with the 4-0 Oklahoma State Cowboys on their own turf. 

#020
Florida (4-0)


The Gators' extremely close 28-27 win over the Vols has to be one of the biggest upsets of the college football season so far this year. The undefeated Florida team gets yet another opportunity to shock the hell out of the SEC, as the play host to offensive juggernauts Ole Miss down in Gainesville this Saturday. 

#021
West Virginia (3-0)


The Mountaineers are playing tremendous offensive and defensive ball, scoring no less than 41 points in any of their first three games of the season while allowing opponents to accumulate no more than 17 points against them. Their noon showdown against the Sooners in Norman this weekend -- at the beginning of the season, a seeming throwaway game -- is now one of the most intriguing, and important, conference games of the young season. 

#022
Iowa (4-0)


After pummeling North Texas 62-16, the Hawkeyes have their first real challenge of the year when they face the Badgers in Madison this Saturday. The rest of the month ain't getting any easier, either; they follow up an Oct. 10 game against Illinois with a road game at Northwestern on Oct. 17.

#023
Indiana (4-0)


Two weeks in a row, the Hoosiers have escaped extremely close games against B-level teams, such as Wake Forest and Western Kentucky. The good news for Indiana fans? This weekend, your team has a home game. The bad news? It's against Ohio freaking State

#024
NC State (4-0)


The ACC is still wide open, and pending Clemson and Florida State take a few lumps, the Wolfpack -- against every shade of empirical reasoning you can think of -- very well could find themselves in the championship hunt. The undefeated team takes on an underachieving Louisville squad on Saturday, with an away game against Virginia Tech scheduled just six days later. 

#025
Memphis (4-0)


The high-scoring Tigers are the belle of the AAC at the moment, averaging about 50 points per game. Unfortunately, Memphis is also giving up a ton of points, as well, as indicative as indicated by their nail-biter 53-46 win over Cincinnati. Every year, there seems to be that one overachieving non-Power Five team that makes a run for the national title; could tenants of the Liberty Bowl be 2015's Marshall?

Sunday, September 27, 2015

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 3's Raiders vs. Browns Game


11:44 a.m. -- Live coverage begins at 1 p.m. Eastern. Be sure to click the hell out of that refresh button, fellas!

12:30 p.m. -- Kickoff is in half an hour. Rod Streater, Justin Tuck and Jamize O. (the only dude who could score against the Bengals in week one) are all gametime decisions.

12:34 p.m. -- This just in: Josh McCown will START for the Browns over Johnny Football. This, despite Manziel's impressive performance last week. 

1:00 p.m. -- And we are coming to you LIVE from Cleveland, Ohio. And we all remember what happened the LAST time a pro sports team from Oakland came to town...

1:02 p.m. -- Oakland set to receive. And the Raiders will begin within their own 20. 

1:04 p.m. -- Amari Cooper with a first down reception on Oakland's very first play. 

1:05 p.m. -- Latavious dropped for a loss on first down. Third and 12 coming up. AND COOPER WITH NOTHER FIRST DOWN PICKUP.

1:06 p.m. -- Murray with a few yards on first down. Second and eight. Deadball on a dropped pass makes it third and eight. AND COOPER WITH ANOTHER FIRST DOWN CONVERSION!

1:07 p.m. -- MURRAY WITH A HUGE RUN! But a holding call on Oakland brings it back to the CLE 30. First and 20. Shane Crabtree reception makes it about six yards from a new set of downs.

1:08 p.m -- And Helu picks up the first and a shuttle pass. Raiders in the redzone. 

1:10 p.m. -- First and goal. Murray gets nowhere on the play. About five yards to the endzone on third and goal.

1:11 p.m. -- And Carr overthrows Crabtree. Out comes the field goal unit. Janikowski is as automatic as usual. Raiders take the early 3-0 lead and burn damn near eight minutes off the clock in the process.

1:15 p.m. -- The Browns will start at their own 20. About a two-yard run on first down. Incompletion on second down, but a holding call against Oakland gives Cleveland a free set of downs. 

1:18 p.m. -- Raiders looking really good stopping the run so far today. And they are blitzing like mofos, too!

1:19 p.m. -- The pressure on McCown is hot and he tosses it away on a second and nine. And a penalty against Cleveland makes it second and 19. Third and eight. And the D CRUSHES the ballcarrier behind the line for a huge loss!

1:22 p.m. -- Cleveland punts it away, ad Oakland starts their second drive at their own 20. This is the best the Raiders have looked defensively all season.

1:23 p.m. -- Hey, did you know its NFL Hispanic Heritage Month? Well, it is. 

1:24 p.m. -- A flag sets the Raiders back before they can even take the first snap. First and 15. Nothing going on a rushing attempt, so it is 2 and 15. Amari Cooper with a five yard catch.

1:26 p.m. -- Third and six. An incompletion on a hurried throw, but a CLE holding penalty gives the Raiders a new set of downs. 

1:27 p.m. -- Murray dropped behind the line on first down. Second and ten. And he goes backwards again, creating a third and 11 situation for OAK.

1:28 p.m. -- And Crabtree gets tangled up on what probably would have been a TD reception. Oakland has to punt, and the Browns will have to start around their own 20. Fun fact: did you know the Raiders are 2-22 in their last 24 away games? In fact, the last time they won a game outside O.Co was a 2013 game against the Texans.

1:32 p.m. -- McCown nearly picked off on first down. About a third and five coming up. And Hartline reels it in to give Cleveland their first first down of the game. 

1:33 p.m. -- KHALIL MACK with a huge stop in the backfield. Second and 11 now. AND MCCOWN GOES DOWN IN THE BACKFIELD!

1:34 p.m. -- Third and 14. And that's the end of the first quarter. And the Browns can't convert. 

1:39 p.m. -- The Raiders start the drive around their own 10. 

1:40 p.m. -- Roy Helu (I think) can't reel it in. Second down. And a flag. No, wait, the Browns are burning a timeout. 

1:42 p.m. -- Murray in the backfield. And he breaks off a good seven yard rip. Third and 3 coming up. 

1:43 p.m. -- And Cooper drops what would have given the Raiders a first down. Shit. 

1:44 p.m. -- Cleveland will start around midfield. And they get an illegal block in the back penalty to start the drive.

1:45 p.m. -- Cleveland pushed back to around their own 30. Second and six. The presure is on, and McCown overthrows. Third and six. Wait, Charles Woodson is in the game now?

1:48 p.m. -- The Browns take another timeout. And it looks like Johnny Football may be leaving the sideline...

2:06 p.m. -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! ANDRE HOLMES WITH A FOUR YARD RECEPTION TO MAKE IT 10-0 OAK!

2:07 p.m. -- PROTIP: When using the Blogger app on an iPad, DO NOT click out of the application or else you will lose literally everything you typed thanks to a complete and utter auto-save feature. Guess who learned that one the hard way just a few moments ago?

2:08 p.m. -- All right, Cleveland has a first and ten at midfield. Gabriel is overthrown, so it is second and ten for the Browns. And Hawkins can't reel in another pass. That makes it third and 10 for the Browns. 

2:10 p.m. -- The Browns in Raiders terriitory for the first time today following a conversion. But the ballcarrier gets dropped for a MASSIVE loss on second down!

2:11 p.m. -- Second and 16. But sumbitch, the Browns manage to convert. 

2:12 p.m. -- Looks like its first and ONE for Cleveland. Second down coming up. Two-minute warning is upon us.

2:15 p.m. -- And third and goal! AND OAKLAND MAKES THE STOP!

2:17 p.m. -- Browns take a timeout. They may be going for it on fourth down. Yep, they are. 

2:18 p.m. -- Cleveland gets a false start call. That brings out the field goal unit. Travis Coons (ironically, a white guy) cuts the Raiders lead down to 7. 10-3, Raiders

2:22 p.m. -- And the Raiders start their next drive at their own 30. Murray breaks out a 15 yard run. And Seth Roberts takes it to the Browns' 15!

2:23 p.m. -- Marcel Reece doesn't do much on second down. Third and nine coming up. 

2:25 p.m. -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!! SETH ROBERTS WITH A TWENTY YARD RECEPTION!

2:27 p.m. -- And Janikowksi's extra point makes it a 17-3 lead for Oakland. What is this strange feeling I am feeling? I am watching a Raiders game, but the emotions I feel are like, not sad or angry. What the hell is going on here?

2:28 p.m. -- AND THE RAIDERS FORCE A FUMBLE ON THE KICK RETURN! Alas, it is under review.

2:30 p.m. -- AND THE CALL IS OVERTURNED. But the Browns can't do shit anyway, so we head to halftime 17-3, regardless. 

2:32 p.m. -- Pretty much everything is clicking for the Raiders today. Derek Carr is 12/21 with 201 yards, with Amari Cooper already over 100 yards receiving on the day. And after a slow start, Murray has now reached the 50 yard rushing mark. But the even bigger suprise? The Raiders D has allowed the Browns to rack up less than 150 yards so far in the game, with the Browns highly touted run offense limited to just 24 yards thus far.

2:45 p.m. -- The Browns get the ball to begin the third quarter. They will start from their own 20. And McCown is still in at QB, for some reason. 

2:47 p.m. -- Second and nine. And a deep pass is overthrown. Third and nine. AND MCCOWN EATS DIRT!

2:49 p.m. -- And Cooper loses about twenty yards on a busted punt return. BUT DIGRESSION, I SAY!

2:50 p.m. -- Oakland starts at their own five. Crabtree with about five on first down.

2:51 p.m. -- MURRAY WITH A HUGE RUN! But a player is down. Oh shit, that's not Latavious, is it?

2:53 p.m. -- Reece can't reel it in on first down. The Raiders have 312 yards on the day, if you can beliee it. And Jones chugs it for a third and one situation. 

2:56 p.m. -- ...and Murray gets the first. Thankfully, that was a Brown that got injured, apparently. 

2:57 p.m. -- And Jones gets almost eight on a busted run. The Raiders have 126 rushing yards on the day. Will they be able to surpass the 500 yards of offense mark this afternoon?

2:58 p.m. -- And another Brown is down. Second and three for Oakland, at Cleveland's 20. An overthrown pass to Crabtree, but there is a flag...on Crabtree. Second and 13. One man in the backfield, and Crabtree bobbles a pass. Third and 13.

3:00 p.m. -- Crabtree with the reception, but its not enough for a new set of downs. Out comes Sea-Bass. Automatic. 20-3 game, Oakland. 

3:04 p.m. -- And the Browns get it at their own 20, with about nine minutes left in the third. And they get about eight on the play.

3:05 p.m. -- Second and two. But there is a flag. ON CLEVELAND. Second and seven. A batted pass, and yet another flag on the play. This time, it is on Oakland. So, second and two, again. 

3:06 p.m. -- A dropped pass makes it 3 and 2. And Hartline converts.

3:08 p.m. -- Or did he? The play is under review.

3:10 p.m. -- The call stands. First down for Cleveland. 

3:11 p.m. -- Cleveland is at midfield. Third and two. And in other news, add BIG BEN to the list of injured quarterbacks for the season. 

3:12 p.m. -- And the Browns can't convert. Here comes the punt unit. Or hell, the Browns may be going for it. 

3:13 p.m. -- They are. And dabnabit, they make enough for a new set of downs.

3:14 p.m. -- And CJ WIlson is hurt. I think he is a defensive tackle or something.

3:15 p.m. -- Gary Barnidge has 77 yards on the day. And Cleveland can't make the magic happen under pressure. Another defensive player for Oakland is down. Manziel chewing gum frantically on the sideline.

3:17 p.m. -- Second and eight. Midfield. And the receiver gets dropped well behind the line of scrimmage. 

3:18 p.m. -- Third and 8. But motherfucker, Hartline reels it in to move the sticks.

3:19 p.m. -- Second and two near the OAK 30. The halfback is dropped for a loss. 

3:20 p.m. -- Third and one situation. And that one leads to a Cleveland touchdown. Barnidge torches the secondary for a 28-yard reception. 20-10, OAK.

3:21 p.m. -- Huh. Did you know there is an all new Halloween-flavored burger out there from Burger King now?

3:23 p.m. -- Raiders start at their own 20. Second and seven coming up. AND MARCELL REECE RUNS LIKE A DRUNKEN ELEPHANT FOR ALMOST 60 YARDS!

3:26 p.m. -- Second and eight at the CLE 30. And Seth Roberts with a nine yard pickup. Three and one for OAK.

3:27 p.m. -- And Murray converts. But there is a flag. ON CLEVELAND. First and goal for the Raiders. And that will do it for the third quarter. The Raiders will begin the fourth quarter in Cleveland's redzone.

3:30 p.m. -- Murray rumbles for about five. Five yards until paydirt. AND MURRAY HITS THE ENDZONE! 

3:31 p.m. -- And a Janikowski gimme makes it 27-10 Raiders.

3:33 p.m. -- Dear lord, you ought to see this girl three tables over to me in a Steelers jersey. She's got the worst case of meth mouth I've seen in a long time, and I live in Georgia, so you know that is saying something. 

3:35 p.m. -- And Mack STEAMROLLS McCown. We've got ourselves a 3 and 17 situation at the Browns' own 10. And mother of fuckers, THEY CONVERT IT.

3:36 p.m. -- Cleveland at midfield. And a holding call against the Raiders puts Cleveland in striking territory. 

3:37 p.m. -- A second and three around the OAK 30. A new set of downs takes the Browns into near redzone territory. And Charles Woodson is walking off the field...

3:39 p.m. -- First and ten, at the OAK 20. And the deep pass is a no-catch. Second and 10. No good on that would-be endzone strike, either. Third and 10, still at the Raiders' 20. 

3:41 p.m. -- AND MCCOWN IS SACKED AND STRIPPED OF THE BALL! Unfortunately, the Browns recover. That makes it fourth and 14. Out comes the field goal unit. And that makes it 27-13, Raiders.

3:42 p.m. -- Yep. Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans are EASILY the whitest fans in the League.

3:44 p.m. -- And the Raiders begin the next drive at their own 20. 

3:45 p.m. -- And Cooper with enough for ten yards. He almost broke loose on that one, too.

3:46 p.m. -- Murray with about two. Second and eight coming up. A holding call makes it second and 18.

3:48 p.m. -- Cooper with about seven on the play. Third and 11. And motherfucker, the ball pops loose. The Browns have it at midfield. 

3:51 p.m. -- About eight minutes left in the game. Cleveland is at the Oakland 40. Woodson back in the game. And there is a flag against the Raiders. Seven minutes left, and the Brown are at the OAK 20.

3:53 p.m. -- Second and ten. They convert. First and goal. No good on the first go-at it.

3:55 p.m. -- TOUCHDOWN BROWNS. And the extra point makes it 27-20 Oakland.

3:58 p.m. -- Six and a half left in the game, and the Raiders take over at their own 20. 

3:59 p.m. -- Murray with about four. Second and six. Six minutes left in the game. Carr tosses it away. And Oakland gets a holding call on top of it.

4:01 p.m. -- Third and 15 coming up. And that ain't nowhere near enough to move the chains. Four and a half minutes left in the game, and Oakland has to punt.

4:03 p.m. -- AND THE RAIDERS FORCE A TURNOVER ON THE PUNT RETURN!!!

4:04 p.m. -- Murray up the gut for four. Time to play smallball, obviously.

4:05 p.m. -- Third and five. Two minute warning approaching. And Carr tosses it away. Out comes Sea-bass, who will attempt...nothing. The Raiders punt it away, instead. 

4:07 p.m. -- AND MARQUETTE KING PUNTS IT DOWN TO THE CLEVELAND ONE. 

4:08 p.m. -- And the Browns are challenging that it's not a touchback. 

4:09 p.m. -- Nope. The Browns have 99 yards to go, the refs say. Second and ten. Looks like the Browns have enough for the first down.

4:12 p.m. -- No go on a batted pass. Second and ten coming up. About a three and four, and we've got two minutes left in the ballgame.

4:15 p.m. -- The Browns convert. A minute and a half left at the CLE 30. McCown chucks it away.

4:16 p.m. -- Cleveland at midfield. About one minute left. The Browns convert, and they are in Raiders territory.

4:17 p.m. -- Cleveland takes a timeout. 0:49 left in the game. 

4:18 p.m. -- MCCOWN IS SACKED. Browns take another timeout.

4:19 p.m. -- Third and 14. AND WOODSON WITH THE GAME-CLINCHING INT!!!!!!

4:20 p.m. -- The Raiders take a knee and walk out of a thriller with a 27-20 win. 

4:23 p.m. -- Derek Carr finishes the game with 314 yards and two TDs, Latavious Murray had over 100 yards and a TD and for the second week and a row, Amari Cooper had over 100 yards receiving. And...impobably...YOUR OAKLAND RAIDERS are 2-1 on the season. 

4:25 p.m. -- I...love...football? With a passion?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom

A look back at all the things that OUTRAGED ultra-P.C. jihadists ... before they forget all about them in just a few days. 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X


Surely racist and ableist Bay Area residents sue to keep autistic Indian-American kid from trying to murder their children

While most of America was captivated by a video of one dudebro punching another dudebro who was trying to beat up a tertiary blind dudebro, another news story involving underage violence broke on the West Coast. Apparently, some homeowners in Sunnyvale, California filed a lawsuit against Vidyut Gopal and Parul Agrawal, seeking to declare their middle-school aged son a "pubic nuisance." Unsurprisingly, tons of left-leaning publications and special interests groups picked up on the story, painting it as a tale of insensitive jerkwads trying to force a special needs child out of the community. What many of those accounts leave out, however, is that the violent behavior has been going on since 2007, with one plaintiff describing in brutal detail the numerous attacks on his four-year-old child. Other accounts from neighbors include incidents of baby-punching, bicycle attacks and numerous attempts to kill pets. On Sept. 22, a judge ordered the families involved in the case to seek "mediation" -- in short, demanding the parties find a compromise between doing absolutely nothing and just letting a probable sociopathic juvenile run wild over the neighborhood, all in the name of  promoting neurodiversity

Political scientist Waka Flocka Flame outrages LGBT community with comments on transpeople

Waka Flocka Flame -- a 2016 U.S. Presidential candidate, cough drops spokesman and, as judging by his lyrics, a pretty big fan of heterosexual intercourse -- drew ire from the ever-quarrelsome LGBT contingent when he criticized Brucelyn Jenner on a Sept. 18 talk show. Taking a somehow controversial hardline biological science perspective, Flame criticized Jenner for being something he/her isn't, describing his/her desire to be a transma'am as an act of "the devil playing tricks on your mind." Continuing, the New York rapper made a direct reference to the work of hardcore conservative scribe David Kupelian, alleging that marketers are guilty of promoting the further breakdown of the nuclear family by emphasizing "alternative lifestyles" over cisgender identities and the traditional husband-and-wife construct. How dare Waka Flocka Flame make such prejudicial, homophobic and pro-patriarchy statements? I mean, it's not like there's a huge, longitudinal study out there scientifically validating that children who grew up in homes with their biological parents have greater social outcomes than those raised in other family structures or anything...

The AAU releases new study on college rape with numbers so misleading, even liberal clickbait sites are calling them out on their B.S.

The Association of American Universities unveiled a shocking new study that suggests that as many as one-in-four college women experience sexual assault while on campus. That's a startling claim, seeing as how an official U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics report released earlier this year pegged the 2013 numbers to about five out of 1,000 instead. As it turns out, the AAU appears to have greatly inflated their numbers by categorizing "sexual assault" as a wide-reaching continuum consisting of everything from vaginal penetrations to unwanted cheek kisses to unintentional elbow-to-breast contact in a crowded elevator. They also did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that their survey response rate was an astonishingly low 19 percent -- meaning that the input of 81 percent of the women at the colleges they were surveying weren't included in the final tally. When even staunch dyed-in-the wool hyper-progressivist websites like The Daily Beast and Slate are calling your questionable methodology -- and even more questionable motives -- into doubt, you know you really screwed up somewhere

UFC star cockily issues open-challenge to entire planet, said planet gets upset when washed-up fighter tries to accept said open-challenge

In an August Reddit chat, current UFC Women's Bantamweight Champion Ronda Rousey said she could "beat up anyone on the planet" in a street fight. That drew the attention of former UFC fighter David "Tank" Abbott, who this week promptly challenged Rousey to a bout with $100,000 (and a sandwich) on the line. Of course, the SJWs came out in full force, calling Tank Abbott a misogynist trivializing the issue of domestic violence. Strangely enough, no one ever said the same thing about Rousey, who literally makes a living punching other women in the face and trying to rip their ligaments out of their sockets. 


University President mistakes lanterns for nooses, decides to have "hate crime" discussion anyway

The social justice sirens were screaming earlier this week at the University of Delaware, when students were aghast at the sight of "nooses" hanging from campus trees. This goaded University President Nancy Target to send out a Facebook message, railing against "such cowardly and reprehensible acts [that] are clearly designed to intimidate and frighten." Using the deductive reasoning skills of only the brightest and most perceptive second graders, however, police investigators quickly determined that the "nooses" were actually just the remnants of paper lantern displays. Despite the glaring lack of a racial angle whatsoever, Targett nonetheless invited students to an impromptu campus rally in the wake of the incident "to talk about what happened and what we as a community have learned from it" -- which, hopefully, is to use a little bit more gumption before automatically claiming victimization status. 

Republican candidate gets grilled for saying he wouldn't vote a Muslim into the Oval Office

week after a Texas student was arrested and given a much better life after taking a suspicious device to class against his instructors wishes, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson infuriated the Islamic community when, on an interview with Meet the Press, he said he would not "advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation." Interests groups immediately called for the neurosurgeon-turned-unlikely-politico to end his campaign, although Carson himself said the remarks have actually resulted in a groundswell of increased financial support from his political base. Carson's disgusting perspective, it is perhaps worth noting, is only shared by an estimated two-fifths of the entire country -- people swayed into their prejudicial opinions, no doubt, by biased, sensationalist news accounts of overblown things like state-endorsed crucifixions in Saudi Arabia and widespread reports of child rape throughout Afghanistan


Syracuse University fights back against sexual assault by cancelling "Kiss Cam" activities

Following an impassioned, not at all hyperbolic letter from an alleged "fan," Syracuse University has decided to suspend its long-running "Kiss Cam" at sporting events ... because it promotes the unwanted sexual touching of women. "The instance I witnessed at the game encourage and condone sexual assault and a sense of male entitlement, at best," the irked letter writer penned, "and they are an actual instance of assault, at worst." As it turns out, the author is the drummer for an incredibly shitty post-punk band ... I wonder if he'll do anything about all the unwanted touching that goes on at his concerts, too?

America welcomes "Average Barbie" with incredible gusto (but doesn't give a shit about climbing childhood obesity rates)

Earlier this week, The Huffington Post regular Nickolay Lamm took to the Internet to finance "Lammily," a Barbie-knockoff with proportions aligned with the aggregate BMI for a 19-year-old American girl per CDC data. Needless to say, the flabby-bellied, huge-hipped and well badonkadonked doll struck a nerve with the national consciousness, as the project generated more than half a million dollars from people presumably fed up with young girls idolizing an "unrealistic" plastic body image. In unrelated news, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention also published updated national data this week, indicating that only one third of U.S. adults -- and close to one-out-of-five children -- are clinically obese. 

Indian restaurant mocks white customers, but nobody really cares

An Englishman waltzed into an Indian restaurant in West London earlier this week, and after ordering mild curry, he received a receipt emblazoned with the term "white ppl." Rather than fess up to this blatant form of racial profiling and stereotyping, the owner of the establishment told media that "white ppl" was  actually shorthand for "milk," which they merrily accepted as a reasonable excuse. Huh ... do you think any restaurants in the U.S. could convince those same reporters that the initials "NGRS" or "WTBCKS" are actually industry-speak for well-done and extra ketchup? 


The first wide-release Spanish-language animated "kids" movie in the U.S. is a ribald sex comedy about cockfighting 

Steadily approaching 1,000 screens, the animated opus "Un Gallo Con Muchos Huevos" can rightly be called the first Mexican CGI children's flick to ever get a wide-scale U.S. theatrical release. Alas, complaints are rolling in about the PG-13-rated film's suitability for los ninos and ninas, as it's central plot revolves around a sanitized form of cockfighting and features copious double-entendres about handjobs and hairy scrotums. Alas, that didn't stop Latin Post from describing the film -- whose title literally translates into "The Chicken with Big Balls" -- as a "genuinely funny film that not only provides good characters but also a family friendly story." Uh...values dissonance much, guys? 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Five MORE Creepy Music Videos Better Than "Thriller!"

Looking for something to get you in the mood for Halloween? Here are a couple of old-school vids that will have you feeling the All Hallows Eve spirit in no time flat...



By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

Around this time last year, I did a post highlighting five somewhat-forgotten music videos that, in my humblest of opinions, were superior horror-themed offerings to Michael Jackson's "Thriller." With the Halloween season in full swing, I reckon now is a pretty good time to do an update for 2015; and frankly, I think this one beats the pants off the already awesome set-list from last year. 



Alice Cooper - "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)" (1986)

We're just hitting total 1980s horror cheese shock rock awesomeness critical mass with this one. As quite possibly the only musician in history who could release a full album containing nothing but great songs from shitty movies (lest we forget Mr. Cooper's contributions to such iconic works as "Monster Dog" and "The Class of 1984"), this track chiseled off the "Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives" soundtrack has it all. There's a very Twisted Sister-like, anti-dad farcical comedy intro, which immediately segues to horrible matte painting backgrounds, goofy stereotypes rocking out in a neon-hued movie theater, plenty of live concert shots of Alice and -- of course -- tons of clips of Jason Voorhees doing what he does best. Throw in a really half-assed, super anti-climactic post-video joke, and you have yourselves one of the greatest masterpieces of crap ever shown on Music Television. And hey, speaking of hair metal converging with slasher movie icons...



Dokken - "Dream Warriors" (1987)

Dokken is definitely one of the more underappreciated hair-metal titans of the Reagan and crack cocaine years. I mean, just listen to "All Alone" -- how can that not get your hands curling up into devil horns (voluntarily or involuntarily?) "Dream Warriors," no doubt, is Dokken's zenith, not only because it's a great, atmospheric little song, but also because it -- as the name implies -- ties directly into the best "Elm Street" movie of 'em all. Oh, you get plenty of Freddy in this one, along with quite a bit of Patricia Arquette (damn, I love how the band members themselves are oh-so-carelessly wedged into the film scenes.) With an outstanding post-video Easter egg, this one just SCREAMS "required Halloween viewing" like a deranged mental patient dancing underneath a full moon.




Geto Boys - "Mind Playing Tricks on Me" (1991)

Forget the Halloween qualifiers, this is unquestionably one of my 10 all-time favorite music videos ever -- even now, on the offhand chance the song comes on the radio, I just have to bump the hell out of it. For the uninitiated, the Geto Boys were a pioneering Houston rap group that, at the time of "Mind Playing Tricks on Me," consisted of Scarface, Willie D., DJ Ready Red and, of course, the greatest suicidal rapping midget of all time, the incomparable Bushwick Bill. Eschewing the goofy movie-tie-in horror of the early '80s, this ultra-low-budget video instead focuses on the dual real world terrors of mental illness and having to live in the ghetto, complete with exposed boobies, a spooky proto-Candyman and a scene where Bushwick Bill, dressed like a pirate, runs around stealing Halloween candy from little kids. If there's a more perfect recipe for Samhain viewing than that, I'm not quite sure human eyes are ready for it. 


Ozzy Osbourne - "Back on Earth" (1997)

Ozzy has made a ton of videos that could qualify as essential Halloween viewing -- who could forget him turning into the world's crappiest looking werewolf in "Bark at the Moon," or demonic possession cheese-fest that was "Shot in the Dark?" -- but I ended up selecting this one for its uniqueness. Released in that weird dead zone between "Mama I'm Coming Home" and The Osbournes reality TV show, the video for "Back on Earth" is a throwback to the old expressionistic German horror works, like The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Nosferatu. The sepia-tone imagery definitely made it stand out for its time, and you have to give the Ozz-Man credit for repping F.W. goddamn Murnau at a time when Hanson and the Spice Girls were still considered en vogue. That it's arguably the last truly great song the former Black Sabbath frontman ever performed probably doesn't hurt it, either. 



Reggie and the Full Effect - "J Train" (2008)

By the time this knee-deep-in-the-Recession offering was released, YouTube had already eclipsed MTV as the premier source for music videos. Tis' a pity this one never made the national rounds, as it's a great homage to a litany of texts, ranging from the old school Universal monster movies to The Monster Squad. The premise is simple; Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, the Mummy and the Bride of Frankenstein all amble into a strip club ... and yeah, that's about it. Featuring a cameo by MySpace wash-up Tila Tequila, this thing is so emblematic of its time; it's corny and unsure of itself and just kind of thrown together without rhyme or reason, but at the same time? It's fun as hell and you can't help but smile at the goofiness therein. So, yeah, it's essentially the spirit of Halloween epitomized

Thursday, September 24, 2015

2015-16 NFL Power Rankings (Week Two)


When the last becomes first, and the first becomes last...

By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

THE ELITES

#01
Arizona Cardinals 
(Season Point Differential: +37)

For half a decade, Matt Stafford and Megatron have been the NFL's most explosive QB-WR tandem. Two games into the season,  however, it looks like the hottest power couple of 2015 is actually Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald, who combined for 112 yards and three touchdowns in Sunday's 48-23 rout of the Bears. Much like last year's squad, the Cards are off to a hot start; the question now is, can Palmer and company stay healthy long enough to actually do something in the playoffs?

#02
New York Jets 
(Season Point Differential: +34)

The real surprise with the Jets isn't how good Ryan Fitzpatrick has looked under center (although he has indeed look quite stellar.) Instead, it's just how dominant the defense -- led by Darrelle Revis and Antonio Cromartie -- has been, allowing just 17 points so far in the season. The secondary, in particular, has been outstanding: in Monday night's 20-7 thrashing of Andrew Luck in the Colts, the Jets had no less than three INTs, with two additional defensive turnovers to boot. 

#03
Cincinnati Bengals
(Season Point Differential: +25)

Andy Dalton looked terrific in the Bengals 24-19 win over the Chargers, tossing three touchdowns and racking up 215 yards by air. With the double wideout threat of A.J. Green, Tyler Eifert and Marvin Jones -- not to a mention a pretty damn solid run game, led by Jeremy Hill and Giovani Bernard -- this is a team that's certainly going to make life miserable for defensive units inside the AFC Central and out. 

#04
Green Bay Packers
(Season Point Differential: +18)

Aaron Rodgers got sweet revenge against Russell Wilson on Sunday night, as the Pack hammered the defending NFC Champs by a 10-point-margin-of victory at Lambeau. Even with their best receiver out for the season, Green Bay has nonetheless been able to move the chains, thanks in no small part to a tremendous run game anchored by Eddie Lacy and James Starks. And with Randall Cobb and Davante Adams putting up such big numbers, Jordy Nelson hardly feels like that big of a loss all of a sudden. 

#05
Carolina Panthers
(Season Point Differential: +18)

Cam Newton had three touchdowns in Sunday's 24-17 win over the Texans, including a rushing TD that also doubles as a pro wrestling finishing move. While a receiving corps that consists of virtual no-names like Ted Ginn, Jr. and Corey Brown hardly sounds sexy, there's no denying the consistency of the Panthers' aerial attack. Coupled with a solid run game and one of the league's best defenses, Carolina is easily one of the most well-rounded teams in the entire league. 

#06
Pittsburgh Steelers
(Season Point Differential: +18)

With 720 yards in two games, Big Ben is second only to Tom Brady in passing. Having arguably the best wideout in the game in Antonio Brown, the Steelers are no doubt going to be one of the most dangerous offenses in the League. That said, I wouldn't sleep on their run game, either, as indicative of Sunday's 48-14 stompin' of the Niners when halfback DeAngelo Williams chewed up the field for three touchdowns. 

#07
New England Patriots
(Season Point Differential: +15)

Well, what's left to be said about the Pats? They have the current league leader in passing yards (who amassed a spectacular 466 yards and three TDs in Sunday's 40-32 win over the Bills) and a tight end that's probably going to have more touchdown receptions at the end of the season than any actual wide receiver in the NFL. And just when you think this team can't get any better? It looks like the Patriots have found their star halfback in Dion Lewis, who now has 109 yards (plus a touchdown) on 22 carries for the season.

#08
Tennessee Titans
(Season Point Differential: +14)

Marcus Mariota played like a future Hall of Famer in Tennessee's week one mauling of Tampa Bay. Alas, in week two, the Oregon standout looked less than Canton-worthy, as the Titans got drubbed 28-14 by Johnny Football's Browns. Still, this is a young team with a lot of upswing; keep an eye on WR Anthony Fasano, who had 84 yards and a touchdown on just five receptions, as well as halfback Dexter McCluster, who averaged nearly ten yards a carry in Sunday's loss.


THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09
Denver Broncos
(Season Point Differential: +13)


Peyton Manning looked way better in the Broncos get-the-hell-out-of-here comeback win over the Chiefs last Thursday night. He racked up 256 yards and dialed in three touchdowns, with standout receiver Emmanuel Sanders hauling in two of them. Questions still linger regarding the defense, but with a still-solid passing game (anchored by surefire Pro Bowler Demaryius Thomas), this is a team that remains an offensive threat, through and through.

#010
Dallas Cowboys
(Season Point Differential: +11)


As stated by virtually every sports media on the planet, the Cowboys have to be the saddest 2-0 football team in NFL history. In a Pyrrhic 20-10 victory over divisional foes Philadelphia, Dallas QB Tony Romo went down with a sternum injury. Expected to miss as many as eight weeks, the Cowboys (already snake bit from losing Dez Bryant earlier in the season) will now rest their future firmly on the shoulders of journeyman Matt Cassell.  

#011
Washington Redskins
(Season Point Differential: +7)


Washington and St. Louis flip-flopped roles for week two; after the Redskins got drubbed on opening weekend, the poured the points on the Rams, who looked pretty crappy after upsetting the Seahawks a week earlier. Give most of the credit not to Kirk Cousins, but halfback Matt Jones; the up-and-comer had two touchdowns on 19 carries, racking up an impressive 123 yards on the day. 

#012
Atlanta Falcons
(Season Point Differential: +6)


The Falcons aren't winning by a whole lot, but they're still finding ways to win games. Following a nail-biter victory over Philadelphia in week one, Matt Ryan (a touchdown and 363 passing yards) and the boys had an impressive come-from-behind win over Eli Manning and the Giants at the Meadowlands on Sunday. While standout wideout Julio Jones deserves a ton of credit, it was really Atlanta's run game that won it for them; Tevin Coleman and Devonta Freeman may not have had a lot of yards, but they managed to punch it into the endzone when it counted, regardless. 

#013
Buffalo Bills
(Season Point Differential: +5)

Regardless of the 40-32 final score, the Bills' loss against the Pats on Sunday was never really that close of a game. Turnovers absolutely killed Buffalo, as Tyrod Taylor chucked three INTs and bobbled two snaps. That, and the secondary -- which was supposed to be vastly improved under profanity master and suspected foot fetishist Rex Ryan -- completely fell asleep on the job, allowing New England to rack up more than 500 yards of offense on the day. 

#014
Miami Dolphins
(Season Point Differential: +4)


Despite chucking the ball for two touchdowns and 359 yards, Ryan Tannehill was still the losing QB in Sunday's showdown with in-state rivals Jacksonville. While it's tempting to blame the uspet loss on a disappointing defense (super-expensive free agent Donkey Kong Suh had just a tackle on the day), the real culprit was the Fins' pathetic run game; against one of the weakest front sevens in the entire League, Miami could muster no better than a pathetic 42 yards. 

#015
Kansas City Chiefs
(Season Point Differential: 0)


The Chiefs pretty much handed the Broncos a W last week, with a costly fumble in the dying moments of the fourth allowing their much hated divisional rivals a chance to steal victory from the jaws of defeat. While Jamal Charles looked solid (125 yards and a TD), Alex Smith played very poorly, tossing two INTs, no touchdowns and getting sacked five times throughout the course of the evening. 

#016
San Diego Chargers
(Season Point Differential: 0)

San Diego followed up week one's impressive come-from-behind victory over Detroit with a fairly lackluster showing against Cincy this past weekend.While Philip Rivers had decent numbers (241 yards with two TDs), he also chucked an interception and bobbled two snaps, one of which resulted in a turnover. Needless to say, San Diego is going to have to work on its miscues, especially in an AFC West that looks like it's going to be far more competitive than initially assumed. 

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#017
New York Giants 
(Season Point Differential: -5)


Two weeks in a row, the Giants have given up big leads and lost games late in the fourth. Statistically, the offense -- capped by Eli Manning's two TDs and 292 yards and Odell Beckham, Jr.'s 146 yards-and-a-TD on just seven receptions -- looked solid, but the defense needs a lot of retooling. With a sagging Eagles, a no-Romo Dallas and a Washington squad that's still a mess at quarterback, the Giants still have ample opportunities to claim the division. Time will tell, however, if they're actually able to right the ship before January rolls around.

#018
Minnesota Vikings
(Season Point Differential: -7)


After getting clobbered by the Niners in week one, the Vikes looked greatly improved against the Lions, besting their divisional foes 26-16. Going 14-18 and tossing a TD, Terry Bridgewater looked OK, but the real offensive MVP had to have been A.P., who -- despite never hitting the endzone -- still managed to rack up 134 yards on the day. 

#019
Cleveland Browns
(Season Point Differential: -7)

Johnny Manziel had the best professional performance of his life this weekend, as he tossed two touchdowns and finished Sunday's 28-14 win over the Titans with a stellar 75.5 QB rating. His favorite target Travis Benjamin is pretty much a lock for the Pro Bowl already; over the weekend, he had two touchdowns and 115 yards on just three receptions

#020
San Francisco 49ers
(Season Point Differential: -8)

Even in a 43-18 loss to the Steelers, SF QB Colin Kaepernick didn't look that bad. America's favorite Miami Dolphins-loving turtle enthusiast threw for 335 yards and racked up two touchdowns, in addition to sprinting for another 51 on nine scrambles. Of course, that's not to exclude the 49ers' actual running back Carlos Hyde, who currently leads the entire NFL with 211 rushing yards.

#021
Jacksonville Jaguars
(Season Point Differential: -8)


The Jaguars faithful don't get to celebrate victories that much anymore, and this Sunday's rare win -- over downstate rivals Miami -- had to have been especially satisfying. Powered by Blake Bortles two touchdowns, the Jags accumulated about 400 yards against the Dolphins, while their defense was able to hold the Fins to less than 50 yards rushing. They're still getting torched on the passing game, but if you're a Jacksonville fan, you really can't help but feel just wee bit excited about the team's ever so teensy improvement on both sides of the ball. 

#022
Baltimore Ravens
(Season Point Differential: -10)


With Joe Flacco tossing the rock for 384 yards and two touchdowns, the Ravens really don't have a logical excuse for losing Sunday's game to the Raiders. As strange as it may sound to say it, the Ravens' key weakness appears to be its defense, especially in the backfield: having let the Raiders accumulate 350 yards by air, its crystal clear the secondary needs a stern talking to before week three's kickoff. 

#023
St. Louis Rams
(Season Point Differential: -11)


After upsetting Seattle in overtime in week one, Nick Foles and the new-look Rams turned in a lackluster performance against the Washington Redskins in week two. The offense barely posted 200 yards, while letting the firepower-less Skins run all over them for nearly 400. While Tavon Austin had a few good touches, the rest of the offense looked pretty anemic; Foles' 150 yards passing on the day was one of the lowest sums for any QB over the weekend. 

#024
Philadelphia Eagles
(Season Point Differential: -12)


Where to begin on this one? Despite posting winning seasons since arriving in Philly, Chip Kelly's new-look Eagles are winless and playing poorly offensively and defensively. In Sunday's 20-10 loss to the Cowboys, Sam Bradford threw two interceptions and finished the game with a terrible 5.3 quarterback rating. Compared to highly-touted acquisition DeMarco Murray, however, Bradford looks like a world class pick-up; the former Cowboys standout had just two yards on 13 carries. 

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#025
Seattle Seahawks
(Season Point Differential: -13)

While the week one loss to the Rams could be written off as a fluke, Seattle just played poorly on Sunday night's marquee match-up against Green Bay. Marshawn Lynch hardly resembled the Beast Mode we all know, putting up a paltry 41 yards on the ground, while just about every receiver not named Doug Baldwin turned in very disappointing performances. Needless to say, this is most certainly not the outcome of Russell Wilson's huge new contract the Seahawks desired. 

#026
Houston Texans
(Season Point Differential: -14)

Despite having two touchdowns (including a rushing TD) in Sunday's loss to the Panthers, it's clear that Ryan Mallett isn't going to take Houston to the playoffs, or even a .500 record. While J.J. Watt is unquestionably the best defensive player in the AFC (and maybe even the entire NFL), the rest of the squad just isn't rising to the occasion ... and the less said about the disastrous run game, which only mustered 61 yards over the weekend, the better

#027
Detroit Lions
(Season Point Differential: -15)


The Lions had an epic meltdown in week one against the Chargers, and in week two they just flat out looked effortless against the Vikings. Sure, Calvin Johnson and Golden Tate combined for about 160 yards on the day, but the run game was appalling: in the 26-16 loss, Detroit posted a stunningly terrible 38 yards on 16 touches. 

#028
Oakland Raiders
(Season Point Differential: -16)


Derek Carr had the best game of his professional career on Sunday, leading the Raiders to a come-from-behind victory at home against Baltimore. Michael Crabtree and Amari Cooper both had 100 plus yards a piece, as Carr chucked the ball for three touchdowns and 351 yards. There's no denying the offense, especially the passing game, is looking worlds better. The problem is, the defense -- which gave up 33 points and nearly 500 total yards -- isn't

#029
New Orleans Saints
(Season Point Differential: -19)


With Drew Brees going down with an injury, the already crappy-looking Saints are looking even more like the Aints of yesteryear. The team produced no less than five fumbles in a demoralizing 26-19 loss to Tampa Bay on Sunday; with talent like C.J. Spiller, Mark Ingram and Marques Colston on the team, New Orleans really has no excuse for playing as poorly has they have been as of late. 

#030
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
(Season Point Differential: -21)

What a difference a week makes, huh? Just seven days after looking like the second coming of JaMarcus Russell in a humiliating loss to Tennessee, QB Jameis Winston actually played pretty well in the Bucs win over New Orleans. Of course, one has to wonder how the still impotent offense and virtually non-existent defense will fare against stiffer competition in the NFC South -- sorry, Tampa Bay fans, but I wouldn't get too optimistic about the remainder of the season. 

#031
Indianapolis Colts
(Season Point Differential: -26)

Earlier this year, I had the Colts pegged as my presumptive AFC Champions. Two games into the season, however, the highly touted team is winless, having been mercilessly pummeled in back-to-back losses to the Bills and Jets. Andrew Luck, in particular, has looked astonishingly bad: in Monday night's loss, his INT to TD ration was 3-to-1, while he finished the game with an almost unfathomably abysmal quarterback rating of 20.0.

#032
Chicago Bears
(Season Point Differential: -33)

Despite having one of the best backs in the League, the team struggled to convert Matt Forte's yardage into touchdowns in Sunday's loss to the Cardinals (this, after he was one of the top rushers in week one.) With Jay Cutler out for at least two weeks, the Bears absolutely HAVE to get their run game in order, or else we're looking at a team that's easily on pace for an 0-4 start ... and perhaps an even longer winless streak even after "Smokin' Jay" makes his return.